what i am scard of

i am scared of my self.........all my life i been scared......what do i mean about that......well let See i   have always been scared of what people thought of me what i thought of my self........yes as fare back as i can remember.......i always try ed to be some one i am not......allwaysed try ed to fit in no matter what i was doing........i did what ever any one els was doing just to try to fit in..........i did every thing steel,lie,drugs,alcohol.........i always try ed to be biger,turfier,do moredrugs or alcohol than every one els.........it was scary i did not care what people thought of me...........i was lieing to myself and every one around me..........i was scared of my self..........one thing i am glad of is i did not know or hang around gang bangers............or els i would have try ed to do it better than any butty els..........i was a scared kid.......scared of what people thought of me always scared people where lol at me...........be for the drugs i steel and lie about my self to make me fell better about my self...........i always sad i did not care what people thought of me............but that was not true........i was so scared of every thing i did........i was scared of what i looked like.........mater of faced i think i was paranoid of everything and anything around me..............i got into fite all the time..........not only with outh kids but even with my sisters..........every one thought i was crazy i would act crazy people would stay away from me because jimmy was crazy..............when all in all i was a scared kid.........i did not fit in any where........i was a deaf kid that did not know any deaf kids............i felt like an out side  i did not fit in any where........the more i try ed to fit in the more it back fierd on me........i was many people.......i was a different person on any given day.......i was scared i was sad,scared,lost,angry..........i cared i cared what people thought of me..........i alwayed thought people lol at me behind my back talked about me behind my back............and when i say people i mean Friends, family people that know me and people that i never met............what am i scared of my self..........when drugs and alcohol came in to the pincher............i thought i found life a way out of the hell i was living in..........by this time in my life i was very depress on top of every thing i was felling..........but the drugs and alcohol finally tuck it all away............i did not care of anything even my self all i whaned to do was get high i did every thing i could............even when i did not have money i found a way...........drug tuck over this kids life...........then i found the miracle drug it was LSD i could live on lsd..............lsd tuck you in to a hole nether world  a world that i thought i could fit in...............when i could not get enough i started to self hert my self..........to relieve pain,depressions,scardns,lost,sadness,angry and anything  els i was felling............i would burn my self i would cut my self i would bang my head punch walls...........i would do anything i thought would help with the PAIN, SCARDNS, depression, ect.............i always thought it was the drugs that did to me what i am to day...........no it was a scared kid........I AM SCARED OF MY SELF THE KID I WAS AND THE MAN I HAVE BECOME.............so that answer's the TITLE what i am scared of   ME YES ME.......